i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
cat food counts as protein by the way
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
