She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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