I puked a lego.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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