Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
