I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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