i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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