I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
