he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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