Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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