Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
