there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
