gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
