My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My penis needs a shock collar
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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