Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
