omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
