I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
