He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
