Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
