the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
