Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
