I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
