Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
