i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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