I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
