omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
