Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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