the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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