Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
