I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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