Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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