i wish my penis had a tongue
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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