Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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