I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
