Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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