I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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