the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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