i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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