Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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