I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
