I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
