3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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