fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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