So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
