mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
