my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
