I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
