Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize