I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
