I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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