I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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