Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
