wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
