Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
