Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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