How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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