My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude i'm inner monologue high
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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