No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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