Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
