On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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